i-mirror

Last Sat I went to play soccer alone in the afternoon.. it was the kind of afternoon when noone is at the court but you just need a breather out of the house.. so I wore my boots, took my ball and went to train shooting…

I was determined not to screw up my scoring opportunities come sunday again.. so this training session was long overdued. Unfortunately, I’ve only my previous ball with me so I could only make the most out of it. It looks alright to me so I took it out to play..

I tried many types of shots. Outside foot, instep, curling, placing.. long range and imaginary 1 on 1.. of cuz there was no keeper on such hot day..

and I missed a good 50% of it!

I thought I was trashed and could never score… Was it my shoes, or my bad finishing touches? The hot day, my lack of focus or terrible form… or HER? I’m bad, just a bad player..

Before long, I was out of steam so I had to go home and hit the shower, at the same time, some self-reflecting.. Been in a philo mood these days so introspective assignments comes quite naturally..

The next day I played with my team mates.. and I’ve never felt like I’m in a better form for months! I scored more than a hat-trick against a skillful team of muds and provided a few chances.. it was a constrasting display from a day earlier when I felt I was a thrash…

Wad was the difference? Was it some arcane thing you call form? Cooler weather and all those bullshit reasons that’s impossible to find? Maybe a bit of it but I can never quantify it.. The real answer came quickly to me when I first touch the ball on Sunday…

It was the ball.

I played a relatively rotten ball that’s never round, and Sunday was a decent ball which is finally spherical…

Moral of the story, sometimes its not really you that’s really lousy, its the ball that you handles that give you this shitty feeling.. Never let a lousy ball dictates your tempo.. You’re good, and don’t bother thinking too much of yourself just because of a silly malfuntioning ball.. =)

Sometimes in life, you must learn how to let go…

Just fall.. you’ll survive…

Newton’s first Law: A thing at rest remains at rest. All things have an inertia, the resistance to move.

The resistance to move on..

That’s how my emotional part has come to appreciate this cognitive reasoning taught in secondary physics.

Today I went to Great World City to do REMA survey, with my rest of the teammates spread across the 4 malls. Things were great at first as my first survey target gracefully helped me to complete the impossible task answering 5 pages of questions!

But Singapore isn’t a gracious society yet. After some trial and error.. I developed a sense of who would and who wouldn’t help me. Mainly, they can be divided quite embarassingly into two groups-of nationality.

The foreign expats would help, but the Singaporean will say no.

I wonder it’s because 13 Sep is too far away from the National Day, the once in a year party where community spirit only exist. But that’s another topic…

I was very lucky to find those who’re alone and free in the cafe to help, and quite instinctively, my caveman OS(Operating System) drawn me to survey some cute girls, if there’s a chance.

I’m the official ‘ji hong gia’ today. The license to approach any girls today with good, duty-conscience reasons. I feel empowered and motivated suddenly.

There’re two girls in particular that I find very interesting, hence I didn’t stop my chance to introduce myself and befriend them separately. One of them, a beautiful American teenage blond who talks about politics (who says blonds are bimbo?). And another, a shy and polite asian girl whom I mistook for a korean at first. (ok, she’s a Sgrean gal but she’s more Asian than a Sgrean Woman get it?). She has beautifully shaped almond eyes with long natural eye lashes, plus plenty of good sense too!

So that was the highlight of the day, befriending these two lovely ladies and ji hong-ing all the way.

But where does Newton fits into the picture here you ask?

When I got home, my satisfaction of my flirtatious charm(self-proclaimed) worn off. Leaving me a shell of emptiness and ambivalence. Why?

I wasn’t happy.

Because I miss her.

‘Beauty is nothing without connection.’ That old mantra that I discovered came back to haunt me the exact same way I haunted it when I found her.

Newton explains that I haven’t move on, although I may have I thought that I had moved on, but at best, I’ve tired but no work was done.

Knowing 2 friendly and beautiful ladies in a day did nothing to liberate me from the chains of the tormenting romance. One that I’ve consciously denied as over. Its like the smell is still there no matter how much you’ve erased it. Sounds like I shit I know, but it feels like shit now anywayz..

I wish I’m even more superficial sometimes.

Let me forget…

Its not easy to always put things in perspective.. that’s why there’ll always be war between states, discrimination between races, unsuitable economic policies and.. difficulty finding a place for her in my heart.

It depends on how your mind sees the problem, and how much your heart feel for it.

Simon says, the glass is all full. Half water and half air.

I think he’s right, for emptiness is a taboo word that I rather not choose. Emptiness is the worst feeling someone can have. Its akin to machine without purpose, a person without heart, and a shell without its soul. You get the picture. And like Simon, I like to see it all full.

Love or loathe her, she’ll surely be someone special in my heart.

During this lost time that we had been together, she has blown my mind away, right from the first time I see her. And that endorphin abuse had been on for 6 months. I thank you. You’ve fulfilled my imagination, made me transcended my lonely selfish habits, and made me appreciate the mantra ‘Love is nothing without connection’ fully.

I’ll miss Ah Gi.. miss your mum’s cooking, your bro’s beng-ness and the good-evil twins.

29 Feb - Aug

I’m not usually fond of speaking my heart.. cuz I fear it will complicate things.. politicize issues.. or reveal my vulnerability…

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But for such face saving kind of person.. it ends up maintaining a stupid strong front.. at the expense of non-related parties.. and the detriment of myself.

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Cuz.. it appears that I look frustrated at them.. but really its myself… My bad.. my bad.. sorry I prefer to look like an asshole than a meek..

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Wad transpired was 2 and a half month of poetry.. Why do I call it that? Because poetry to me, is beautiful, romantic, ironic.. and short.

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So.. yeah.. I’ve got no one to turn to but my dear bloggy space.. to let out a little air.. if you allow me my friend..

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I dunno if I should be mad at her or not.. cuz the paradoxical feeling is stirred whenever I try to understand her.. ya.. I can never truly put myself into another’s person shoes completely.. but I think I’ve got a big enough heart for her to tolerate her.. and honestly, I feel that we’ve a mental connection.. that’s something special to me..

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Tolerate is a strange word to use.. it suggests burden, something undesirable.. yet, she’s neither to me..

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Every few mins.. when I’m not doing anything, in the train, or taking a break at the pantry,  my thought starts to wander.. I can’t help but think of the good times we’ve had.. many times.. I almost felt like calling her.. to tell her.. ‘I’m sorry’ for wadever reason.. just to find an excuse to speak to her.. But I try and try not to relent..

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This impulse to just hear her voice is almost volcanic.. dormant but never dead.. and explodes from time to time.. only to be suppressed.. again.

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Sigh.. one way to help myself of remaining firm is to imagine she has moved on.. and that I’m just a historical sweetness.. but my guts been telling me she misses me like I do..

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Is this an obsession? Coming from my self-confidence? Or was it just an illusion from the start? Felt real.. but its not easy to bring myself to the hard facts.. that the poem has ended.!?

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To be continued…

Gossip.. We all do it. And I swear I’m guilty of it.. but just can’t recall when was the last time I did that.. With all the questions of morality surrounding it.. going as far back as in the bible to preach against that, we can never insulate ourselves against this very addictive preoccupation…

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Question:How to be a skilled gossiper?

Answer:A ear, and a mouth… (you don’t even need a brain)

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I remember I did a project on this in a module.. on gossip.. and found out that gossip has its use in socializing and extracting valuable information blah blah blah..

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Personally, I think the academics thinks too highly of it, because I’m not sure how valuable most of these information really are usually..

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That did not arouse me up enough to dispute that claim because the tiresome research required just to justify my stand is enough to silence me.. until now

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Cuz in blogging, just like gossiping, no further research or references are required.. hell with the biblo…

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That is the lure of gossip, the channel for you to voice your opinion with no proofs (if they’re, they’re usually distorted anyways), and at the same time, makes one feel good when you see your friends nodding their head away as you see yourself being sympathized, or approved by your peers.

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Of cuz, if no one gossips, then I think the world would be too boring.. no scandals, no gossips, no bad news.. yawnz

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But as we cloth ourselves in smart news anchors suits, have we thought that just at the same time, at another TV station, we’re been reported of wearing a giant piece of red granny/ah-peh underwear beneath that same suit during air-time.

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Catch the drift?

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When something bad about someone goes into your ear.. wad you do next time? Shut your mouth? Or ‘inform’ your friend?

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Maybe in life.. the rule always apply.. wad goes around comes around?

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*shrugs*

If living is about aging and mellowing, in this rough, rocky patch of the journey, I think those who’re lucky enough to run it.. will witness alot of ups and downs.. of their very owns paths and others..

There is no finishing line.. no rat race… just the passing images of the scenery and landscape.. but we just gotta keep our legs running.. even though they’re tired already.. sometimes I’m not sure if we’ve a choice thou.. but I believe we’ll come to understand the point of all of this someday..

Just watch out for the paths ahead of you, and enjoy the scenery friends.. its my pleasure to be jogging side by side you..

PS: To my bud’s mum in heaven, rest well.. you’ve brought up a very fine man.. strong and gentlemanly… and I thank you for letting me know this good man…

John Lennon’s ‘In my Life’

There are places I’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

I’ll copyright that! ‘Beauty is nothing without Connection’. I was walking down the stairs yesterday in school and pondered.. what is beauty? And why are people so attracted by that.. And suddenly, like Eureka!, that line shot right through to my head.

Connection is that sense of emotional attachment, something amorous.. yet its real because it requires a feedback from the subject.. Well its easy to form a connection with inanimate things.. but to form connection with people or your pet.. Some amount of reciprocal response is what constitude a connection!

How did I get that.. well.. probably from my early days of admiring a girl.. and getting cold shoulder all the time.. haha.. ya.. I was a pretty one sided affair.. well anywayz..

Ta-da! I feel so enlightened.. by myself! Let me just pen my thoughts here and laugh at myself a few months from now reading this.. haha

Hush now.. haste not..

Time awaits for you..

Jump into another pot, while its hot

Will get you burn, in another furn

ace ace ace…

Gallop gallop gallop

Pasture is green there..

Red is not all that passion but fashion..

Imagination I’ve got a plenty,

But superstition I’m beginning to wary…

Should I or should I not..

Hush now haste not…

Night is still young to decide..

When the fate is too young to ripe..

And let’s keep that imagination in the bottle first

For now baby, for your smile..

And here’s the woman’s reply… she’s more honest than Kelly really..

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

"I think you have things a little
confused. Here are the reasons you
didn’t get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried
to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got
in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to
play golf
2 times you were in a fight and
someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose
was running
2 times you had a splinter in your
finger
20 times you lost the motion after
thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while
reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because
you missed and were screwing the
sheets.
I wasn’t talking about the crack in
the ceiling, what I said was, "Would
you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

Haha.. how truthful is that… aww.. the truth hurts.. try harder next time men..